Suicidal Side

Su By Your Cide

Anthony Bourdain, an outspoken man, someone whose shows I loved watching as a kid. Who didn’t hold back his words and shared his opinions no matter how harsh they might have sounded. Even if they were against his good friends, he never stopped short of putting himself out there. It came as a big shock when I found he had committed suicide. Was he depressed? Were there some issues? Were there signs that people around him noticed?

“Suicide” I have had a close relationship with this word, and yet when I hear about somebody having committed suicide I wonder why. Every single time. What stopped me? What pushed them over the edge? Broken relationships, failed careers, ……… we try hard to pin it on that one reason that pushed someone over the edge. But in reality suicide is an accumulation of many things that happen over many years, waiting for that one final event that finishes it all.

And when you reach that point………

Thoughts racing…. the conflict between your self loathing and your anger against the people around you gets intensified….

Nobody gets me?

I am totally useless…. good for nothing.

Maybe it’s better if I don’t exist… maybe other’s lives will be better without me…… or maybe when I am not there anymore then they might realise my true worth.

It gets too much to handle… when all you feel is a deep anger for yourself and for others around you.

And then you get hit by guilt, an emotion more painful than pain itself. Guilty for being angry with the people around you. Feeling bad for yourself.

Anger… Guilt… Anger….. Guilt

Then the breaking point. You either stop yourself ……or …… you stop your life.

I have never harmed myself but have come really close to it multiple times. Sitting with a knife on my wrists.

Then a voice in my head says are you sure that after death the pain would stop. If you aren’t sure about life itself which you have seen so much of, what’s the guarantee what would happen after death. Maybe the pain will intensify. Maybe you will just be a ball of spirit filled with pain floating around with no body to express itself.

And then I choose to go through dealing with the uncertainties of life rather than the uncertainties of death.

Yet i get shocked when I hear someone’s committed suicide. Maybe it’s survivor’s guilt. Why didn’t I? Why did they?

For years I believed I was alone in this. That only I faced all these issues. Then you not just find out that you aren’t the only one, but many of the people you have looked up to all your life are in the same sinking boat of depression, trying hard to be happy and at peace.

Here’s the irony, you appreciated all their achievements except for one… their greatest struggle in life….. their own internal battles. The one you would have identified the most with….

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17 Comments

  1. 🌍Lifebeyondimagination📝

    Nice post.. expressed very well… I would like to add here.. suicide is not the desire of death or to move away from the world.. deep down it is desire of living… When one cannot live with the freedom s/he deserves, feels like to suicide…

    Life is beautiful just if accepted in whole with its ups & downs..

    Wish you great time ahead.. 🙏

  2. ahotcuppalife

    That decision to walk through darkness, even if the possibility of a slight ray of hope is thin, is the first step. Everything will surely, even if slowly, fall into place. Great post..!!

  3. searchingformyinnerzen

    “And then I choose to go through dealing with the uncertainties of life rather than the uncertainties of death.”
    This blew me away! I’ve never stopped to think about the uncertainties of death and it makes me question how people get to a suicidal state even more.
    Out of all the posts I have read on this subject yours has been the the 1 I read multiple times! Keep writing! Thanks for sharing 😊

  4. The Pensieve

    True indeed. The internal battle is the one that is the hardest to fight, yet the irony is that it’s the one which is appreciated the least…..

    I can definitely relate to the vicious cycle of anger and guilt, but have never reached… There. Not even close. I wanted ‘it (that feeling)’ to end. Not me….

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s indeed well written. I hope you have found your peace now. ✌️

  5. sirkevinshistoricfacts

    Having had friends enter this state of mind too often in life death calls. Why only they know what hunted them.Not their call only God gives life and takes us back. It is the trouble with the brain not the human. Life is all we know and treasure as we cannot see behind the curtain we know only he exits as unequaled love. Being outspoken is good but one must think of respect for the feelings of those who did not ask for your opinion of them. Bourdain did not like others attacking him. I liked him as a chef but not the judge of mankind. What right did he have to do this. Guard what you say let thought and respect for those we decide to call come first. I did not like Gorden Ramsey Hells Kitchen as he was rude and assaulting even though he said that is what people want.He may be a man who knows but I would not speak to anyone in such a way it hurt them unless they asked me to judge them.Even then being so truthful I would still bear respect.

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