Coming To Terms With Depression

Coming To Terms With Depression

Depression – Feels like a sun set but in reality its the dawn of a new beginning……

Great expectations:

My seeds of depression were set in my childhood when no matter what I did was never good enough. I had my grandmother telling me I could sing better, my father telling me that I could always do better. Better Better Better….. Where am I today… Well I am doing great but I could do better. And when the better gets bigger than the present achievements, that’s when depression starts setting in.

Having Aspirations is BAD:

What made it worse was I grew up in a society where a woman being ambitious was seen as something negative. Women could dream of 2 things being married and having kids. So on one hand I could do better, but if I wished to achieve better, then something was wrong with me! When there was no way to go up the only choice left was either to be stuck in the 2nd gear which I couldn’t or go slump right back into a depression.

Being Jack of ALL trades:

For years I felt guilty of having ambitions. I wanted to achieve crazy things, like I wanted to find cure for Cancer and Aids, or bring about world peace, or be an actress or maybe a journalist or a chef or an artist or an astronaut or an architect or a cricketer……

So many choices, didn’t know which one to choose. I was good at everything but not good enough……. Jack of all trades master of none….. All my friends were very clear of what they wanted to do in their life. I was all over the place.

One by one I gave into all my fears and killed all of my dreams. I was over weight so I couldn’t be an actress. Scared of blood…. cant be a doctor…. Socially awkward, Shy, Lazy, Dumb, Stupid were just few of the labels I got during this period. I felt completely out pf place and empty from the inside.

For years I had waited for an owl with a letter or a prince to come and rescue me….. Some adventure…. Surely I had a bigger purpose in life…. But that moment never came…. At the age of 17, few months away from graduation, I hit rock bottom…. Dropped out from school and shut myself away from everybody I knew for the next one year. I had gone to a therapist in those days but it hadn’t helped at all. I just didn’t want to listen to anybody.

The closest analogy I have found to describing what depression feels like is like getting close to a Dementor as was described in Harry Potter. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

I never called it depression then. I was just figuring life that’s what I had told myself… years later when a friend of mine shared of how she was going through depression, although she didn’t want to call it that… She felt it was just too hyped…. I agreed….

It was only a few years back when I googled depression and it gave a list of symptoms. Point one tick… Point two, tick…… well I ticked every point! Below the points it said if you have any of the  symptoms you may be suffering from depression, and I had ticked all!! Oh god I suffer from depression!!!!!!

In that one year break I had taken, I had promised myself to overcome my fears one by one. It has taken me years to achieve that…. almost a decade, many more years for me to label what I had been through and admit to myself that I have been through depression! And a few more years to finally put it down here and share about it.

While I still struggle with panic attacks and anxiety to this day, I have come to see my depression as a positive thing. It’s when I am my most creative. The purest me.. all my labels shredded to pieces under the weight of my expectations.

I don’t think I will ever go back to the time where I wont have any self doubts or be completely happy with who I am forever, but I have learnt to accept that depression is not just a big part of my life but I need it sometimes. Its like de-fragmenting a computer, helps to re-organize my thoughts, puts things in perspective and clears my head to take on bigger challenges.

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45 Comments

  1. CHRISTY ISTRATE

    I like that you use this to shape your future in the best possible way. We all have something… its when we acknoweledge it and use it to help us keep growing… that keeps us moving forward. You write beautifully. I always enjoy your posts!

  2. Amber

    I’m sure this is tough to go through. I can’t even imagine. I just try to be there for people going through it.

  3. Rosie S

    Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate so much to this, I’ve also struggled with depression. It’s good that you’ve taken time to tackle your fears, it will only ever make you stronger.

  4. nmgilb

    I think this article is so important! So many times we see depression as this huge crazed thing that leads to suicide or vicious anger. Those who don’t fall in those categories tend to explain away their symptoms.

  5. Laurie

    I have also struggled my entire life with depression, starting at about 17-years old. It is not easy to feel content with exactly where you are at this very moment. I work on it daily.

  6. bmcharnley

    Depression is definitely hard to go through but like you said it’s important to refocus, reorganize thoughts and put things into perspective. It’s so important to talk through these things and know that you aren’t alone in these feelings. I think thats the toughest part about depression is that most feel isolated or unworthy.

  7. Vasil

    Hello Peppered with Stories,
    A very nice post. I would like to say that we all really have our ups and downs in life. You have proven your strong character by getting back up, from the dust, and accepting depression as it is. It has made you stronger and now you shall be 1step closer to happiness.
    Wishing you a happy rest of the day 🙂

  8. Dalene Ekirapa

    At times, our families set very greater expectations for us no matter the little we achieve and that’s actually a step to depression. It must be tough going through depression especially when it’s from your childhood but we’re glad you shared this. A problem shared is half solved,right?

  9. peachychiki

    I can relate to this so much, it was almost nauseating (In a good way). I’m shy and possibly to afraid to open up, and I have slowly been attempting to unveil my mask and let a part of me that has been so suppressed out. It deffiently takes baby steps.
    Your writing is beautiful, and I loved your harry potter references.
    Thank you so much for sharing.

  10. mrsyoungade

    People go through rough times, there are indeed various reasons to be depressed, but I admire you for seeing something positive from your depression. I hope you get through this, and thank you for sharing your story.

  11. Abrah Sprung

    What an important post! I love that you’ve been able to reframe your experience into a space for growth and positivity. I admire you.

  12. alieneating

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to write and put it out to the world. I really admire your courage and strength.

  13. Joanna

    I think that depression is a diseases that many of us battle with every day, but not a lot admit it. It takes courage to step up and start opening up, taking about your journey with depression!

  14. Colton

    I like that you use this to shape your future in the best possible way. We all have something… its when we acknowledge it and use it to help us keep growing… that keeps us moving forward. You write beautifully. I always enjoy your posts!

  15. Karen

    This is a brilliantly written piece and will resonate with so many. The feeling of not being “good enough” has been pervasive in my experiences – in fact I’ve just finished a blog post on a very similar theme (scheduled for 31st July).
    Believing that you are good enough and always were are huge steps in overcoming the self-doubt that you have lived with for so long. Karen x

  16. JayMentor

    IMHO, the post interested me so sharing some thoughts. Things don’t change, We Do. In my life, I was similarly named Jack of all trades and at 65, I still get labelled so. But so what. I am a Generalist par excellence in my mind’s eye and when I mentor ( and I like the Dementor bit ) and find uncoachable and unmentorables – I begin to De-Mentor them 🙂 . I empathise with your narrative. There are ways out. I learnt to channelize my negative energies and convert them to positive and achieve small victories. Sometimes, it is good to have what I term as Äpplause factor” just three claps for a small victory! If no one gives it I pat myself :). May be, you can try this. Don’t chase big victories, big targets, big dreams but Re-Build yourself with small wins, bit by bit, brick by brick and create a legacy. Regards. jay

  17. Princess Quinn

    It is good that you share your feelings and thoughts. Depression is a serious matter that everyone must be aware of. And you are helping us understand people suffering from it through this. May you find inner peace and finally learn to appreciate yourself and your abilities. I also consider myself as a Jack Of All Trades. I want to try a lot of things and finally realize that I am only good at a certain point. Good thing is, we, can do a lot of things that others can’t. That’s the positive side of it, I guess.

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